Well this would have to be written in one of my down moments. You may think me lame and pathetic after reading all this but DON'T tell me you've never thought any of these thoughts of yourself before, at least once in your life because that would be down right lie. The way I'm going to describe myself would make you think that I'm just seeking self pity and sympathy. You may be right for sometimes I seek that when I feel really down. If you've never thought of yourself as I'm thinking of myself at this moment then consider yourself happy and perfect. Close to perfect anyway. See, I think of myself as an insecure individual when it comes to guys and love and all that. I mean, what am I sposed to think when I've never been asked out before or nobody's even liked me in that sence.

I think I'm a GOOD friend to all my friends. I listen to their problems and i help them with it, give advice and maybe sometimes get them out of it. I get my friends out of situations even though I know its a stab at my pride, so what? My pride could be healed with time, so i thought. If my friend was just dumped I'd be there to help them get through it. I'd be there for them to cry on my shoulder, to pour out their feelings or just be there to talk to. I would ALWAYS listen to them. But see, thats where it all ends. When I want to tell them my problems they don't listen to ME. They'd just carry on with their talk and stuff or they seem to be listening and then say "oh" and then talk about something else. Like once, I told my best friend a problem that was really bothering me and she said "oh ok" and then turned to someone else and laughed at a joke they cracked. That has happened to me so many times. Maybe thats why I don't have a bestfriend, because i don't believe they'd be your bestfriend forever. But if you've found your soul mate do NOT lose him/her. They're irreplaceble.

My friends don't even treat eachother liek friends. One of my friends hate the other two, one of the other two always bags the other behind their backs. Its like we're a group of people that know eachothers names, thats all. And ALL my friends care about no'er days are... you guessed it GUYS...and money, clothes, themselves. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I'm just saying what I think is true. My ex-bestfriend is obsessed with this guy she doesn't even know. Gaurenteed he's cute but nothing to obsess over, another is obsessed with a guy that doesn't even pay attention to her and she thinks he'd go out with her if he wasn't so shy and the other one just likes guys. Its like I don't even exist to them, only for money and my house to them is like some place they can go to when they have problems at home.

Thats why I think of myself as unworthy. Pathetic I know. You don't have to tell me. Your saying "Get a life and stop bitchin' about shit!" well thats what I'd be saying to myself. My dad keeps telling me to lose weight. What do you think I'm trying to do!? I will lose weight. If I lose 20pds i get $400 but thats not the point. That won't help me reach my goal. Well, it will but my main goal will have to be reached by one question "Will it make me feel good?" and to find the answer to that question would be for me to reach the goal I set for myself. But sometimes I'm not so sure. Some people that seem to be perfection it self could be really unhappy with themselves. Some girls would love to have a figure like Buffy's or a supermodels body. Most insecure girls would say to themselves "nobody cares about me. Why should they? Its only me. No one has the time of day for me" and so on.

I have considered suicide but I always come back to the same conclusion. Suicide is just STUPID. Not even worth thinking of but you just can't help yourslelf sometimes. You'd think to yourself sometime "The world would be better off without me' but that isn't true. Killing yourself would not change the world but would change the lives of your loved ones and your friends. Why put them through grief? Its pointless. Anyway this is all i have to say for now. As I said Call me lame or pathetic or whateva But do NOT deny you've never thought this stuff before.

Please send me your comments, insulting or approving, or if you would like advice on a problem please write to [email protected]

P.S. I'm not as pathetic as you may think I am